There are some thing's that i've been avoiding posting about on here. They eat me alive, and at times steal my breath away. But ive avoided it knowing that someday...somewhere, he'll see this blog. And with that thought is the hope that someday my father and I can reconcile our differences and become civil to each other. But with each day that turns into months, years...and yes a decade. It becomes harder and harder to think that someday this could end.
Before moving to South Carolina in May of this year I emailed him. (And yes I know he received it, I know from a very reliable source) I gave him the chance to contact me, and to see his grandkids. Caitlynn was 11 months old that last time he saw her. Yes she is 9 now! Jacob...well he's never seen that special boy. Even in the NICU (and yes I had him on the 'allowed visitor' list) he never attempted to see his grandson. I dont want to turn this into a bash, I have wonderful memories as a child. Humm I'll be 30 this year. Of going to my Grandparents with just him. Of camping trips...and holidays. Halloween was the bomb at our place! But with the good comes the bad, the aweful, and the sadness. There are things i've been told that I wont even type. EVER. Mind you he never layed a hand on me or my brother. Unless it was a swat/slap we deserved. BUT verbal is sometimes worse then physical. And what is not worse is just as bad.
I keep hearing songs lately that take me back in time. My dad gave me 2 CD's for Christmas the year my parents divorced. 1991... Reba and John Michael Murphy (cowboy songs). That year he gave me a rose...I pressed the one petal, and just threw it out last year. With that petal went my hope. My hope for even a long distance relationship with him. My Hope that my kids will someday know their grandfather. My hope that my Dad would one day grow up.
Honestly I dont know why i'm typing this. He'll never see it. Even though I know he has this blog address, I dont think he cares enough to check on us. To see how his daughter, son in law, and grandkids are. To care you must have a heart...a heart that has room for everyone around you, not just the ones that do exactly what you say.
Well...I guess that's all for now. I do still send cards. And I even contiplated sending pic's of someone elses kids. He'd never know anyway. But just incase he's reading...
Dad you have my address. You have my phone number. You have the power to change the way things are. I've tried, and failed. I am moving on...someday.
Back to that song thing again...
Dad..
Rascall Flats
I'm Moving on.
I've delt with my ghosts and i've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret.
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once i'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, Trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on.
5 comments:
Trish, my prayer is that you can find some confort and peace in where you are today and I pray that one day your father opens his heart and reaches back. For he is missing out on some wonderful moments with his daughter, grandkids and family.
Huggles sweetie!
WOW I cannott imagine what it would be like to not see my Dad for that long period of time. I hope that somehow he feels compelled to join you in trying to mend the relationship. So much time has been lost but SO MANY memories can still be made.
(((hugs)))
Oh honey. My heart aches for you. I know this has got to be so hard as we are to have our 'earthly' fathers prepare us for the character of our "Father in Heaven". Unfortunatly, sometimes what we expect..does not happen. I pray for reconciliation for you/your father. I pray for his heart. If by chance he is reading this....then I pray he sees that forgiveness is healing and so very necessary for growth.
Huge hugs honey...
Thinking of you Trish! Hugs
Big Big hugs, this brought tears to my eyes!!! And I love that song too, to me it means something different though! But all the same it's a very touching song!
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