Why...

That is one word. WHY? It's an amazing word. It has the power to have many questions answered. But in the same breath...can give one person, more questions to ask. I'm am 30 years old. For 15 of those years i've had a best friend....one we will call "John" Ya gotta put a face with a name on a blog...the picture is from 2006, it's a few years old, so just imagine him with a tad less hair. Why? I have no clue! What drew John and I together...hummm I really dont know. But we can read each others minds, finish each others sentences...and make each other laugh no matter the situation.

In the 15 years (OMG that seems like a LONG time...) he's never met my dad. WHY? Beacause in that time my dad has not been in my life. Just as John's sperm donor is not in his life either. Has he inquired in the past...yes, a long time ago. Maybe it's one thing that brought us closer together. Did I mention he's Caitlynn's GodFather? John's going though the big "D" right now...keep him close in Prayers dear friends.

WHY...Does God send some people to us, but take others away. I miss my grandmom...such a dear lady...I dont miss her from 5 months ago...or even 18 months ago. I miss her from 5 years ago, and ESPECIALLY 10-15 years ago. You'd have to know her to appriciate her...she was something else. :D

WHY...Do people that you know, and love, think they know everything you should do, and how and when you should do it? I love my brother...Ready for another picture ;) He's a handsome man...and i'm very proud of the person he's become. AMAZING is a word that would not be bad to use. At the same time he think (at least I feel he thinks) i'm still 7 years old. I do know my mind...and have tried all my life to do the right thing. I've tried my hardest to live by God, and give Grace (You there A?) wherever possible.

Please note this post is not focusing on Frank, Caitlynn or Jacob.

There is another man in my life...His name is Paul. He's been my "Dad" in all sences of the word since I was about 14 years old. Considering I said I was 30...damn that's a long time! (Yes I have a picture of him too :D) In that time he's seen the worst and the best of me. With more BEST to come of course! He's seen me try over and over...he's seen me fail over and over. He doesnt ridicule, he doesnt discourage me from trying again, but at the same time, I believe, understands that...enough sometimes is just that...Enough.

Yes there is one more Man. Most people call him Dad, Father, Dat, Pop and Daddy. I dont know what to call mind. Jim...well ya that'll work. He had some major health problems lately. And all my family, and all my friends send many of Prayers his way. He has pulled through, and though he has a long recovery ahead of him. He is doing well. During this time he has come in contact with my brother (his son) again. And for that I'm so glad both of them have been blessed by reconnecting. I'm so happy for Scott, to be able to connect with a man that as a child he was not able to. For Scott to be able to call him Dad again. For Scott to feel he can pick up the phone from California and talk to his Father in New Jersey. Accross the miles even if they cant heal the rift, maybe they can see "eye to eye" on current matters, if not past. For that, I feel they have BOTH been blessed. Approximatly 2 weeks ago my Grandmom (no picture people...sorry!) gave her son my phone number. She gave him my cell phone, still a PA phone number for friends up there. Those who know me know that phone is ALWAYS on me. At times I cant answer, but it's there. With a Special Son (Mr. Jacob...) you need to be able to be contacted by school or Daycare without fail. I do not have a voice mail, his schoool and daycare know to try back if they dont get me. They do...almost always get me first try. John is also calling alot...and get's me first try. Even if it's for me to say "i'm at work..i'll call you on break"...

A large topic of conversation now from CA to AZ to SC...is "Dad's been trying to call you, but you dont have voice mail so he cant leave a message." To all that have told me that...I do believe that you believe what you are saying. In all honesty though, my phone has not once ever said "1 missed call" and had it be him. He has not, to my knowledge, tried to call...either my cell, or my home phone.

There comes a time in your life that you have to ... well lets just use a quote that i've used since 10th grade.

"you hang on, till you can't hang on, then you learn to let go...I learned the hard way."

I've tried. Over and over, repeatedly over the past 15 years...give or take a year in there somewhere. I cant try anymore. I cant...i'm drained. I have enough to focus on here, and accross the miles, with my family...by blood, and by love & friendship. To keep going round and round with others about "the What If's and the WHY's?"

Why did this all happen. I dont know. I know God Sent me John, and Paul and yes even Scott. I know Jim is my father for some reason...that reason to me is so that I can have Grandmom and Grandpop...Uncle Larry and Aunt Rene and Tammy. (Thanks for letting me know you are safe Cuz!) Why did he give me the start in life He did. Nobody can answer that, but I can say i'm sure i'm a better person for it. There are times i'd never give up the memory for. Can give you dates, times, places...and such fond memories. Some of just Jim and Me. But for the good times, there are hundreds of bad...that I can also give dates, times and places. Christmas eve...some of you will know what one I mean. They are things that scar a child....yes I'm scarred, I can finally admit it.

I have a reason to go on...and a reason to NOT try anymore. I cant...and wont, let my children go though what I have gone though. Caitlynn is 9.5 years old. She's on the A/B Honor roll for the last school year...and will be entering 5th grade as a gifted student next year. Her Grandpop has seen her 3 times in her life. That would average to once every 3 years, except he hasnt seen her since she was 1. Guess it doesnt count. Jacob is 3.5 years old, he understand on a 18mo - 2 yr old level. Cant talk very well, but is learning (has only been talking since he turned 3) is Autistic, has EDS, a feeding tube, Asthma, Lung Disease, RAD and a few others we always forget ;) He's never met his grandpop. In his first 3 months of life we did not know if he would live or die. In the first 2 months it was worse...We were never, ever called, or asked how he was. He did try calling 1x...I give him that. Jacob was under 21 days old at the time. He talked to Frank...Mom and I were at the hospital with Jacob.

Back to "WHY"... I dont know. But I can only take so much....a damn can only old so much water...then it breaks.